VicMonaous: The Hambone King

The Hambone King

“Man, Bobby’s lovin’ all that attention,” P.J. remarked as he and Max watched him on the stairs, where he was surrounded by other students.

“I know, right?” Max agreed.

“I bet he does his signature “flirt” move.”

“Flirt move?”

“Yeah, you know; The giggle chin. It’s where he giggles, and then he puts his fist up to his chin,” P.J. explained.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Bobby do any…” Max started, but saw Bobby do just that, with a positive reaction. He and P.J. applauded a bit. “Ooh, sunflower seeds,” He took the pouch from between P.J.’s arm and side, and started eating the seeds.

“I guess I’m sharing today,” He remarked. Then Mona came up to them, and saw what was happening.

“Hey, why are all those kids paying attention to Bobby?” She asked in confusion.

“They love the video he posted on TheSlap,” P.J. explained.

“What video did he post on The…” Mona started, but was interrupted.

“Hi!” Shenzi came tap dancing up to them, her orange petticoat skirt, her high ponytail, and the bow on it flowing like crazy from her movements. “To-do!” She smiled, holding her arms out.

“It’s “Ta-Da,”” Mona corrected.

“Ta-Da!” The Goth exclaimed.

“Why are you tap dancing?” Max asked her.

“Because I’m auditioning for a new musical, and I have to tap dance,” Shenzi explained.

“Oh.”

“Hey, people are talking to Bobby!” She pointed out.

“Yeah, they’re all excited about his video on TheSlap,” P.J. told her.

“What is this video??” Mona exclaimed, smiling.

“Show her,” Max said.

“All right,” P.J. nodded.

“And I can also do it with this fist,” Bobby said, as he used his other hand in his flirt move.

“Uh, what’d he call the video again?” P.J. asked.

““The Hambone King,”” Max reminded him.

“Hambone? Did you say “The Hambone King?”” Mona confirmed.

“Yeah, wait ‘til you see this,” P.J. said.

“What’s hambone mean?” Shenzi asked.

“Who cares?” Mona smiled nervously. She and Shenzi watched Bobby’s hambone video on P.J.’s Pearpad.

“That’s so fun!” Shenzi smiled.

“Yeah, must take a lot of practice,” P.J. remarked.

“Well, what else is Bobby gonna do?” Max asked. Then the school bell rang, signaling that classes were going to start.

“I uh, I gotta get to Rafiki’s class,” Mona said nervously, as she headed for the stairs.

“We don’t have Rafiki today,” Shenzi pointed out.

“It’s a different Rafiki!” Mona exclaimed before walking quickly out of sight.

“What’s her deal?” P.J. wondered aloud.

“Not sure,” Max said, “Ya know what my problem is with these sunflower seeds?”

“So, first you’re gonna steal my seeds, and now you’re gonna criticize?”

“Yes. It’s too much trouble to open ‘em.” Shenzi was in deep thought; she really wanted the role in the musical. And for that to happen, she had to be ready for anything.

“Hmm, let me try something,” She took the pouch, and dumped the seeds on the floor, and started tap dancing on them. What if she had to dance on sunflower seeds for her audition? You never know!

“Um, Shenzi.”

“What?”

“B-baby, nobody wants to eat sunflower seeds that have been tap danced on the floor,” P.J. pointed out. Then Milo came up behind Shenzi, who walked up to P.J. and Max quickly.

“Ooh, pre-cracked sunflower seeds; Don’t mind if I do,” He kneeled down, and started eating the seeds off the floor without his hands.

“This man is nuts,” P.J. remarked, as Shenzi laughed.

-

*MonaHarrison

Sushi with Bobby and Shenzi. P.S. Bobby is asking stupid questions.

Feeling: Sushified

Later that day, Mona, Bobby, and Shenzi were having dinner together at Nozu.

“Okay, so tell me, how do girls put on skirts?” Bobby asked them, “Do you do one leg at a time like pants, or do you just jump right in?”

“One leg at a time,” Mona replied.

“I jump right in,” Shenzi smiled. Then Mrs. Mode, the owner of Nozu, came up to them.

“Excuse me, Bobby Zimmeruski.”

“Yes?”

“This is for you, Dahling,” She handed him a red bowl, “It’s a special Tempura dessert, just for Bobby. It’s free.” He took the bowl, and set it in front of him.

“Ooh, can I have one?” Mona asked.

“No!” Mrs. Mode snapped.

“So good, but why the free dessert?” Bobby asked, tasting it.

“Because, you are The Hambone King, dahling.”

“Oh, you saw my video?” Bobby asked bashfully.

“Yes, on TheSlap.com; you hambone like a champion!” Mrs. Mode smiled. Then they saw a certain blue and red buff guy hiding, but was still in sight. “Aw, Drax, don’t be shy; get over here.” Drax came over, but didn’t say anything. “Drax, just ask him,” Mrs. Mode told him.

“Mr. Hambone King?” He started.

“Oh…” Mona groaned and hid her face in her hand.

“May I have your autograph?” He finished.

“That’s so cute,” Shenzi giggled.

“Sure you can, Drax,” Bobby smiled as he took the paper and pen, signed the paper, and gave them back to him, “Here you go.” Drax happily left the room.

“Bye bye, Hambone King,” Mrs. Mode said in a hushed tone as she lightly slapped his face, and left.

“I, I’m gonna go to the restroom,” Mona said nervously before standing on the floor, and walking away.

“Hm, I wonder why it’s called a restroom,” Bobby wondered aloud.

“Yeah,” Shenzi agreed, “It’s not like people take naps on toilets.”

“My grandma does,” He shrugged.

“So does Frankie; Up top!” She smiled as they high-fived each other. Then P.J. and Roxanne came in.

“Oh, hey, what’s up, boy and girl?” He greeted them.

“He noticed our genders,” Shenzi smiled.

“Wanna come sit with us?” Bobby offered.

“No,” Roxanne said bluntly before walking away, and P.J. trailing after her. Then two suspicious-looking boys walked in. One had red hair, while the other, who was an anthromorphic dog, had brown Elvis-like hair.

“Hey! Bobby Zimmeruski?” The red-haired boy exclaimed. The said boy and Shenzi turned to them.

“Yeah?” The boy grabbed the bowl of the Tempura dessert, and lifted it up. “Th-that’s my dessert, what are you…?” Bobby started, but the boy threw it to the wall, right behind P.J.’s head, who turned around. The boy then put the bowl in Bobby’s hands.

“You order that?” He asked Roxanne.

“Now your dessert’s on the wall,” He said.

“What was that for?!” Bobby exclaimed.

“Because you’re a liar,” The boy said, “You’ve been going around, calling yourself “The Hambone King.””

“He’s the Hambone King,” The brown-haired boy referred to him.

“Me.”

“Him.”

“Not you.”

“Him.”

“Looks like Bobby’s got some trouble,” P.J. remarked from another.

“Yeah,” Roxanne said, “Do you want to split some soup?” She asked him, not caring about the Mohawk-haired boy’s situation.

“Haven’t you guys seen Bobby’s Hambone Video?” Shenzi asked them.

“Yeah, we’ve seen it,” The brunette guy said.

“Made me sick,” The redhead grimaced.

“Romeo could hambone better than you when he was 9 years old,” The brunette guy taunted.

“Wait, who’s Romeo?” Bobby asked.

“I am!” The redhead exclaimed.

“He is!”

“All day.”

“My brother Frankie drinks milk all day,” Shenzi piped up out of nowhere, as the two stared at her. “And he’s allergic to dairy so, not good.”

“Listen fellas, I don’t want any trouble,” Bobby said.

“Well, you got it.”

“Outside.”

“You and me.” Meanwhile, Mona had come out of the restroom, and stopped upon seeing the two boys.

“I’m not going out into the night with the two of you,” Bobby refused.

“Then I guess you need to be convinced.” Mona took a food tray, and hid her face with it, while sneaking away. “Give his girl a tornado.”

“What’s a tornado?” Shenzi asked right before the brunette boy blew hard in her face a few times. “Ewe, that was so weird!” She exclaimed.

“Okay, first of all, she is not my girl! Unless you wanna be,” Bobby defended her.

“I’m good,” She said, still weirded out by the “tornado.”

“You better come outside, or else he’s gonna give her another one,” Romeo warned him. Shenzi looked up at Bobby with a worried expression, and he gave in.

“Let’s take this outside,” He decided, and he and the two boys headed for the back door. A nervous Shenzi ran up to her friends.

“P.J., Roxanne, Bobby went outside alone with those two boys…” She rambled fearfully.

“Don’t worry, he got his back,” He assured her, “Come on.” They headed out, but P.J. came back when Roxanne stayed seated.

“Dude!” She exclaimed with her mouth slightly full as he forced her food on the table, and dragged her out with him.

“Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!” They heard a crowd chanting.

“Ho-hold up, hold up, hold up!” P.J. exclaimed, stopping the chanting. “If you boys wanna fight Bobby, you gotta fight me too.”

“Um, would it be okay if they fought just you?” Bobby asked nervously, “Because…”

“Hey idiots!” The brunette boy, his name was Duke, snapped.

“Yes?”

“S’up?”

“My boy here don’t wanna fight Zimmeruski,” Duke said.

“Then uh, how come we’re not all back in there eating sushi?” P.J. asked.

“Because we’re going to have ourselves a Hambone-Off!” Romeo announced, followed by a bit of cheers and applause.

“My 3rd grade teacher’s name was Mr. Bonoff,” Shenzi randomly piped up, “He died,” She smiled to cover up her sadness.

“Come on, let’s hambone!” Romeo exclaimed.

“Woo!” The crowd cheered.

“Roxanne, bring me that crate,” Bobby ordered, feeling more determined.

“Shenzi, bring him that crate,” Roxanne ordered the Goth.

“Kay-kay,” Shenzi ran over to the said crate, and set in place for Bobby to sit on.

“Where’s Mona?” He wondered aloud.

“Maybe she’s still in the restroom,” Shenzi said.

“All right! Standard International Hambone rules apply,” Duke flipped a quarter in the air, “Call it.”

“Quarter!” Bobby exclaimed.

“Yeah, we know it’s a quarter!” Romeo said.

“Heads or tails?” Duke questioned him.

“Well, who can tell? It was flipping in the air so fast!” Bobby defended.

“He calls heads,” An exasperated P.J. told them.

“Yay heads!” Shenzi piped up seriously, before Duke flipped the quarter again.

“It’s tails,” He said, “Romeo goes first.” The redhead sat on a crate in front of Bobby, getting ready. “Ready… hambone!” Romeo performed some impressive hamboning techniques, with everyone on his side cheering, before finishing with his hands on his thighs, and his elbows up.

Then Bobby performed impressive hamboning techniques as well, but he had a bad finish: He slapped his groin by accident, and he fell to the ground in pain.

“Oh yeah, baby! Romeo wins!” The redhead cheered as the crowd on their side cheered for him, while P.J., Roxanne, and Shenzi checked on Bobby after Drax ripped his autograph in two and left in anger.

“Come on Bob,” P.J. said, “Let’s go back inside.”

“No,” The Mohawk-haired boy whimpered.

“Bobby, come on,” Shenzi put a hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah, we can get you some ice for your uh, injuries,” Roxanne offered.

“No, just leave me here on the dirty ground where I belong,” Bobby belittled himself.

“’Kay,” Roxanne shrugged nonchalantly as she walked back in, followed by P.J., and a reluctant Shenzi. Then a certain brunette girl walked into the area.

“Hey,” Mona said quietly.

“Who’s there?” Bobby sat up a bit.

“A friend,” She replied. “I know how you feel.”

“Sure,” Bobby didn’t believe her, “What do you know about hamboning?” Mona knelt down to his level with a solemn expression.

“Too much,” She breathed out. He sat up as she pulled him into a comforting hug.

-

Later that night, the gang sans Max were at Mona’s house, where Bobby was lying on the couch in despair, while P.J. and Roxanne were sitting on the other one.

“Bobby,” Roxanne said quietly.

“Come on man, it’s…” P.J. started, but he and Roxanne simultaneously turned their heads towards Shenzi, who was tap dancing nearby. “Come on Bob, it’s not so bad.”

“Okay, big deal, you lost a hambone competition.” Bobby squeaked in despair. “It’s over; and it’s not like the whole world saw it.

“Uh-huh! It’s all over the Internet!” Shenzi piped up, while tap dancing.

“How’d it get on the Internet?!” Bobby exclaimed, sitting up a bit.

“I might’ve uploaded it,” Roxanne said nonchalantly, and he flopped back down. Then Mary came down, holding a pair of slippers with zebra stripes, and hot pink fur lining.

“Why do you guys need slippers?” She asked them.

“Grab the Shenzi,” Roxanne deadpanned as she and P.J. walked over to the tap dancing Goth, and P.J. lifted her up with ease.

“Yay, I’m a kite!” She giggled as Roxanne put the slippers on her feet, before P.J. set her down.

“Enjoy,” The blue-clad redhead deadpanned as she walked back to the couch.

“Now you can tap ‘til your feet fall off,” P.J. remarked as he walked to the couch, while Shenzi happily started tap dancing some more. Then the doorbell rang multiple times.

“Just open it!” Mary exclaimed. Then Max came in, carrying a watermelon with one arm.

“Hey,” He greeted the others.

“Why are you here?” Roxanne asked, turning to him.

“P.J. texted me, and said that Bobby got hurt, so I brought him a watermelon,” He explained, before patting it with one hand.

“Why?” The cat furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

“Bobby loves watermelons,” Max said as he handed it to his sad friend.

“Wa-wa,” Bobby whimpered as he hugged it close to him. Then Mona walked in, holding her baby blue PearPad.

“Okay, somebody turn on the TV,” She said, sounding sad.

“I will, but only ‘cause I want to,” Roxanne said with no remorse as she did so.

“What’s this about?” P.J. asked the brunette.

“Just watch,” Mona said, before she started setting it up, so the TV showed what was on her PearPad.

“Oh darn, looks like there’s no place for me to sit,” Mary said casually, “Oh well,” She finally sat harshly on Max’s lap against his will. Without another word, Mona started playing a video from her PearPad; it showed an impressive, young boy-girl hamboning team. The girl had brown hair, while the boy’s was red.

“Aw, that little girl looks just like Mona,” Shenzi smiled.

“That little girl is Mona,” The brunette said, “7 years ago.”

“For real?”

“No way.”

“That’s gross,” Roxanne grimaced.

“Wow, you’re really good,” P.J. commented.

“That’s some top-notch hamboning,” Bobby remarked.

Mona then stopped the video. “We were top-notch.”

“Who’s the little boy?” Roxanne asked.

“Romeo,” Mona told them, but there was no response, “Romeo Darro,” She said again, but still no response, “The mean kid who out-hamboned Bobby tonight!” She exclaimed.

“Oh.”

“That pre-turd?” Bobby exclaimed.

“His name is Romeo Darro?” P.J. asked.

“We were the best boy-girl hambone team in the Western United States,” Mona explained, “We were supposed to compete in the Nationals.”

“Do I have to hear this story again?” Mary asked in annoyance.

“Shh,” Max shushed her.

“Go on,” Bobby said.

“Romeo was jealous of me, because he knew I was a better at hamboning than he was,” Mona continued, “It drove him crazy. He started being really mean to me. He even wazzed in my Hello Bunny purse. And then one day…” She hesitated, looking like she was going to break down.

“What happened?” P.J. asked her.

“I, I, I caught him hamming with Hannah Philips,” Mona whimpered, hiding her face in her hand, “Oh.”

“All right; All right, wait a second here,” P.J. stood up, “If you’re better than Romeo, then let’s challenge him to a Hambone-off.”

“You can avenge my defeat!” Bobby stood up on the floor.

“You don’t have to,” Roxanne muttered.

“Yeah, it’s perfect.”

“Oh, no! No, no, I can’t,” Mona said, “I haven’t hamboned in years, but Romeo has never, stopped; It’s his whole life! I could never beat him now.”

“Then train me,” Bobby suggested, “Train me to hambone better than Romeo Darro.” Mona walked up closer to him.

“How bad do you want this?”

“Like, on a scale of 1 to 10?” The brunette nodded.

“Maybe 8? 8 ½?” After a few seconds, Mona spoke.

“Then I’ll do it.”

*MonaHarrison

Time to train Bobby in hamboning. Why do I always get involved?

Feeling: Coachy

Later that week, Bobby and Shenzi were at Mona’s house with her. Mona and Bobby were each sitting on a kitchen chair, while Shenzi stood in front of them, wearing her tap shoes.

“Okay Bobby, your rhythm’s a little loose, so we gotta tighten that up,” Mona said.

“Gotta tighten your rhythm,” Shenzi repeated for emphasis.

“Okay,” The boy nodded.

“Now, you and I are gonna do the hambone routine I taught you yesterday, but we’re gonna do it to the rhythm of Shenzi’s tap dancing,” Mona instructed him.

“5, 6, 7, 8!” Shenzi exclaimed before she started tap dancing for a few seconds, with Mona and Bobby hamboning to the rhythm after.

“Good! Good!” Mona praised as Shenzi danced again, “Let’s keep it going!” They hamboned to the rhythm again, “Nice!” But Bobby slowly stopped, looking nervous. “Why’d you stop?”

“I, I need to get some air,” He said quietly as he headed for the porch door.

“There’s air in here,” Shenzi pointed out.

“I DON’T WANT YOUR AIR!!” He exclaimed before walking out the door, and a confused Mona followed him.

“What’s wrong with my air?” The Goth wondered aloud.

“What’s the matter with you?” Mona asked Bobby.

“Nothing,” He claimed.

“What’s the matter with you??” She asked more firmly.

“I’m afraid!” He blurted out, “Alright, you wanna hear me say it?! You wanna break me down?! I’m afraid I’m gonna lose to Romeo again, and humiliate myself!”

“You can beat him if you wanted bad enough.”

“Who are we kidding?! He’s the best hamboner in the country! What am I?”

“What do you wanna be?” Mona questioned him, “A coward? Or do you want to be The Hambone King again?”

“I never was The Hambone King! Don’t you get it?! I was a fake! A joke! I’m not even worthy of eating ham from a bone!”

“Huh?” Mona furrowed her eyebrows in confusion at his last statement.

“Forget it,” Bobby said, “What’s the point of this? What’s the point of anything? I mean, this whole conversation just feels like bad writing,” He pointed out.

“So you wanna quit?!” Mona exclaimed, “You just wanna walk away from a challenge, ‘cause you’re too scared and nerdy?”

“Nerdy?”

“I’m sorry, it just slipped out,” Mona apologized, “You have to try; You have to do your best. And then if you lose, at least you’ll know that you gave hamboning everything you’ve got.”

“If I do try my best, do you think I have a shot at out-hamboning Romeo Darro?”

“I think you can be anything you want to be.”

“… Even your boyfriend?”

“Oh God no,” Mona shook her head. “So?” After a few seconds, Bobby spoke.

“Let’s hambone.” Mona smiled in pride.

-

Later, the training was done in the Hollywood Arts hallway. Mona blew a whistle, with Roxanne standing next to her, filming with her phone, and Bobby and P.J. ran down the hall in a race, until Bobby got to the goal first.

Mona trained him in the Black Box Theatre two times as well, with Shenzi’s tap dancing being of assistance the 2nd time. They trained at Mona’s house too, where the brunette held an inflated balloon, and Bobby slapped it repeatedly with all his might.

“And… stop!” When Mona stopped the timer, Bobby stopped hamboning, and Shenzi stopped dancing. “You’re ready.”

“He’s ready,” Shenzi smiled.

“I’m ready,” He repeated.

-

The next night, Romeo, Duke, their fans, P.J., Max, Shenzi, Roxanne, and Mrs. Mode were outside Nozu, in the back.

“Thanks,” Duke said when Mrs. Mode gave him and Romeo a plate of sushi.

“When you become a world-famous hambone man, you talk about my restaurant when you go on the Jimmy Fallon show, dahling,” She said before walking back inside.

“Hey!” Duke snapped, getting everyone’s attention, “Looks like Zimmeruski ain’t gonna show up.”

“Yeah, well I say hey! Bobby will be here, you can count on that!” P.J. retorted.

“You really think he’s coming?” Max asked the cat.

“I have no idea,” He said more calmly.

“Well, he’s late,” Duke sneered, “And me and the king gotta catch…” He was interrupted by cheers, when Bobby and Mona arrived.

“Hey idiots!” Mona exclaimed, “You wanna talk, or hambone?!” Her statement was followed by cheers.

“Mona Harrison,” The redhead smirked.

“What up, Romeo?”

“You still mad about me and Hannah Philips?” He taunted before snickering.

“You still pick your nose, and eat it?” Mona taunted back. Romeo was about to yell when Duke stopped him.

“Don’t waste your breath on her, king.”

“Oh, hi Duke; I see you’re still sniffin’ Romeo’s butt!” Mona smiled.

“Hey, that was a dare!” Duke snapped before he was held back.

“This hambone battle is really scary,” Shenzi remarked.

“We’re about to watch 2 nerds compete by slapping themselves,” Roxanne pointed out bluntly, “I think we’ll be okay.”

“Romeo, can go first,” Mona said.

“All right,” Romeo nodded. “It’s on!”

“Like a game of Mahjong!” Bobby smiled, but there was no response.

“Please, let me do the cool talk,” Mona whispered as Bobby sat down.

“Good luck, Bobby,” Shenzi smiled as she trotted over, kissed his cheek, and walked back to Roxanne.

“Ready?!” Romeo exclaimed.

“I’m certainly ready,” Bobby said in determination.

“Bring it!” Romeo retorted.

“Hambone!” Duke yelled out after a few seconds. On cue, Romeo performed some very impressive hamboning moves. Then Bobby performed some as well, but his were more impressive. While everyone was cheering, Duke sneakily grabbed a piece of sushi, and threw it at Bobby, hitting his face, causing him to fall down in surprise.

“Oh yeah! Yeah baby!: Romeo cheered, “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”

“Wait! Wait a second!” Mona yelled out, getting everyone’s attention as she picked up the sushi. “You threw this sushi at him,” She glare at Duke.

“Did not,” He claimed.

“Did too! You threw it, and messed up his rhythm!” Mona exclaimed.

“I, I can go again,” Bobby stuttered out, standing up.

“No way, it’s over,” Romeo said.

“You cheated,” Mona said in disbelief.

“Still a sore loser, Harrison?” Romeo taunted.

“So uh, any of you other pre-turds want to take on The Hambone King?” Duke challenged, before they walked away.

“Hey!” Mona exclaimed, getting their attention, “I’ll take on The Hambone “King.”” Her statement was followed by cheers.

“Wait Mona, you haven’t hamboned in 7 years!” Shenzi pointed out.

“Well now I have a reason,” Mona said in determination. She sat on Bobby’s crate, as Romeo sat back on his.

“Call it,” He ordered Duke.

“Hambone!” Duke yelled out, and Mona started hamboning, doing outstanding moves, and finishing with 2 lip pops. Romeo started with 2 lip pops, and performed impressive techniques. While Mona was going again, Duke grabbed another piece of sushi, and threw it in her direction.

“Mona!” Bobby exclaimed, seeing the sushi, before she caught it in her mouth, and ate it up. It seemed like time stopped.

“Come on, you’re up,” Duke nudged Romeo, who jumped in surprise, before he started. But he had messed up, “Oh dang, wait, wait, wait!”

“Misboned! He misboned!” Mona exclaimed as everyone on her side cheered for her, and Max and P.J. lifted her up on their shoulders.

“The new Hambone King!” They announced.

“Queen!” She corrected joyfully.

“Queen!” They repeated. They went off, but Shenzi turned to Duke.

“Hey! Hey! Hey!” She ran over to him.

“What? What?!” He exclaimed before Shenzi blew a “tornado” in his face.

“Blow back!” She exclaimed in joy before she ran after them, leaving Bobby alone and confused.